September 24, 2006

Thoughts

I've been thinking about grandma a lot. I think there's a part of me that still finds it hard to let go. I think I'm fine most of the time, and then every now and then it hits me and I tear up... not over anything in particular, but I just get choked up. Every now and then, something that I haven't thought about in years pops into mind when I'm doing everyday things.

2 mornings ago, I was making my morning coffee and I remember how grandma used to make a mug of coffee every morning. Every little detail was so clear, the way she measured out the coffee, to the hot water thermos we had, and the way she pressed on the top to dispense the water, to her adding Coffeemate, to her first sip. She always took just the one sip, and that cup of coffee would last her for the rest of the day. She would let me steal sips from her cup cos mom didn't like me having caffeine at that young of an age. And really, mom knew that I was drinking coffee, but still, it felt like it was our own little secret.

I was taking my vitamins yesterday, and I recalled how she hated to take those things. They were always too big for her to swallow and we'd have to break them down to smaller pieces so she'd have an easier time with it.

I can hear how she used to say my name, and how when I speak with her on the phone, right after she asked me how I was doing, she would ask me when I was going home to see her. I know circumstances made it hard, if not impossible for me to go home, but it still sucks... very, very badly!!!

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